Sanity in the World?

Into all lives, a little Sanity must fall.

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Location: Michigan, United States

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Sometimes you just have to Laugh

Sifting through Atlas Shrugs funny post of 20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity, of which I liked the following the best:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

As I was saying, I was sifting through Atlas Shrugs and in the comments ran across Skippyslist. While I have been in the US Army, I can fully appreciate the humor of this and quite a few made me laugh...HARD.

Something from the person who put up Skippyslist:

I assure you, every thing on this list is something that I personally was instructed not to do, or I witnessed another soldier receive instructions about. Not to say that everything actually happened, just that it was discussed. For example, I didn’t get breast implants, but I pretended to be interested in getting them, just because it made my Team Sergeant’s face turn all kinds of interesting colors. The list gives the impression that I did everything, only because it sounds funnier that way.

And since the list is waaaay to big to post, I will pick out some of my favorites, so without further delay The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army:

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. (My Personal Favorite - sanity)

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
(Grins Evilly - sanity)

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT. (See HERE for an explanation - sanity)

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
(I gotta try this sometime *grins* - sanity)

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

Go read the rest.

An extra portion added by Skippy's Friends (Posting the ones I liked):

21. Must not get CO a subscription to gay porn.

31. Whenever the phrase "Is this crap flammable?" is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.

53. Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
(About as bad as my wife *grins* - sanity)

62. Do not yell "Fire in the hole!" while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their face.

66. When ordering supplies, "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit", or "whatever you feel like giving me", are not numbers.

69. Do not say "Oops" when working with explosives, just to be funny.

71. Do not put decaf in the 1SG’s coffee pot.
(It's a sick individual who invented DECAF Coffee! - sanity)

*wipes a tear from his eye*
Ah the good ol' days....